We moms are always so hard on ourselves when it comes to the sensitive subject of losing the baby weight. Especially when our “babies” turn double-digits and we can still pinch an inch (or a few). But damn it, there are some very legitimate reasons why we hang onto some extra poundage months (or years, or decades) after our kids are born.
Well, I call them reasons. Those fit moms on Instagram with the chiseled six-packs and un-dimpled thighs would call them “excuses.” Potato, potahto. I mean, it’s because…
1. Having a baby literally changes the shape your body. It just does. Part of the reason our pants are bigger is because our hips and pelvises are wider. It’s science. Thanks, kids!
2. When we tell them they need to finish their dinner, we need to set an example. Like they’re actually going to listen to our guilt trips about all those starving kids when we’re not clean-platers ourselves.
3. Who wants to waste a perfectly good cupcake even if the frosting is licked off?
4. All those chicken nuggets.
5. We do so many exhausting motherhood-related things that we’re often rendered too tired to do anything but slump slack-jawed on the couch at the end of the day.
6. When we have spent the past 10-12 hours working and cleaning and momming, drive-thru fast food joints can be super tempting.
7. Sometimes we actually want to get through a meal without hearing something is “yucky” and that usually means pizza.
8. We spend an inordinate amount of time sitting on our asses waiting for our kids — at doctor’s appointments, sporting events, in the school parking lot. Yes, we could jog in place or do calf raises or something but that would elicit unwelcome side-eye from onlookers that we just really don’t want to deal with. (Note to self: Google “how many calories do Kegels burn.”)
9. It’s hard to go on, say, a kale smoothie diet when you’re feeding a family actual balanced meals.
10. Sometimes a moment alone in the closet with a contraband candy bar goes a long way toward not losing our ever-loving mind.
11. Kids have birthday parties, which means buying or baking birthday treats, which means sampling the goods. Obviously.
12. It’s our job to make sure the Halloween candy is safe for consumption by eating some ourselves.
13. Sometimes our wine of choice has a lot of calories.
14. We’re so busy trying to get everybody up and out in the mornings that we skip breakfast and then overcompensate later, but then tell ourselves that’s probably okay because we skipped breakfast.
15. A trip to the ice cream parlor can be a great soother for our kids’ broken bones or broken hearts.
16. Kids waste so much food and if somebody doesn’t eat it, it’s just like throwing money in the trash.
17. When our children sell Krispy Kremes or candy bars or Girl Scout cookies for fundraisers, we need to support their entrepreneurial spirit and their worthy causes. Also, the more we buy from them the less door-to-door peddling required. Soooo, you know…
18. Squishy laps are just more comfortable. And more thigh = more surface area for cuddling kids.
19. There’s always some sort of snack in our purses.
20. We refuse to hold ourselves to the impossible standards of celebrities who strut their unnaturally un-flabby stuff in a teeny-weeny bikini within days of giving birth. I mean that’s like willing your horse to become a unicorn.
The (slightly jiggly) bottom line: We shouldn’t feel ashamed if we’re not exactly rocking the svelte silhouette of our pre-baby selves. Baby weight is normal and natural and an inevitable aspect of being a mom that we have to deal with. After all, it takes nine months to put it on, 19 years to take it off…or something like that. Right?
Whatever. Pass me that plate — those leftovers aren’t going to un-waste themselves.