If you’ve ever been complaining about something that ails you in the presence of a large group of women, there’s a good chance that someone told you in response, “There’s an oil for that.”
I’ll be the first to admit that it might have even been me that suggested you just rub some peppermint oil on your forehead to ease that tension headache your threenager is causing. And I’m not even a die-hard essential oils enthusiast. But I’ll admit that a splash of lavender oil on your pillow at night never hurt anyone.
But, there are a few essential oils that I wish existed that don’t. For example, I’m wondering why, with all the advances in science and modern medicine, we haven’t invented an anti-whining oil for our over-tired 2-year-old, or an oil that prevents little boys from talking about their junk in public? Wouldn’t that be nice?
If you’ve ever reached for your own roller bottle hoping to just roll away that pesky stomach bug ravaging your house, or calm a restless night’s sleep for your little one with a dash of serenity, then you’ll love this list of essential oils moms secretly, and desperately, wish existed.
This oil would help your child not forget your 13th reminder that he is supposed to be brushing his teeth, instead of re-enacting a Minecraft video for his baby brother while supposedly getting ready for school. Perfect for the child who always uses the excuse, “But I forgot,” and for the mom who thinks she might forget to come home one day if she hears that one more time.
Resting tween face is a legit disorder that takes over your angelic child’s face between the ages of 10 and 13 years old. This oil blend would help your child’s disposition look cheery instead of demonic, and keep her from being able to roll her eyes at you if you dare to speak to her — would work well for teenagers too.
The “Hurry the Hell Up” Blend
This light and refreshing blend of essential oils would be perfect for the kids who can’t seem to get their act together anytime you need to be anywhere at a certain time. In other words, you would use this daily. Just rub it on the toddler who can’t find their missing shoe or the 7-year-old who needs to poop right as you leave the house. You would never be late again with this cure-all for family tardiness.
The Anti-Sunrise Blend
Perfect for the angry toddler who wakes up at 5 a.m. no matter what time they go to bed. Just add a little dash to their pillow at night, and enjoy sleeping at least until the sun comes up. This blend would also keep your child from reaching for the harmonica at sunrise, and instead help them play quietly in their room with their toys until you wake.
The Temper-Tantrum Tamer
This essential oil would allow moms to shop with ease in the store with hangry toddlers and say no without fear of a temper tantrum from the 2-year-old when pestered to buy the latest toy they see. You would just rub this oil anywhere on your toddler’s body that is not flailing and watch the temper tantrum in the middle of Target melt away.
The Mega Mood Stabilizer
This oil blend would be perfect for anyone past the tween years, but not quite mature enough to handle their own emotions. Best used on teenagers when they’re not looking to ensure that they will not resent you for speaking in their general direction and will stay calm when asked if they have any homework. Watch as sassiness melts away, and you remember you love your tweens and teens again.
The “Open Your Eyes” Blend
This essential oil is perfect for children and husbands who can never seem to find their own belongings. Just rub a little on the temples, or slap them with it anytime they start the sentence, “Do you know where my…” and watch as they suddenly open their eyes and find it on their own. This oil would also remind them to pick things up and look under, behind, or beside them so that they can find what they are looking for without your freaking help every time.
The “Do It Anyway” Blend
This oil would be perfect for use when you ask your kid to do anything they don’t want to do. Don’t like your dinner? Watch them eat it anyway after you add a little dash to their food. Don’t want to clean their room? Diffuse this blend hourly so that they listen the first time, and do what they don’t want to do without arguing. You’ll feel like a Jedi Knight controlling minds with this hearty blend of powerful oils that will even convince your toddler to sleep in their own damn bed for once.
The Pre-Baby Body Blend
This oil would be for moms who want their pre-baby body and mind back. It would instantly cinch the waist again, and transform boobs from flat pancakes to perky again. In addition to giving you your pre-baby body, you would be transported into a state of Zen as you regain a moment of your pre-baby sanity every time you apply this oil.
The Reasonable and Rational Blend
This invigorating blend is the catch-all oil blend you’ve been looking for. Diffuse these oils around the clock so that your kids will fight less, and remain calm when a disagreement arises. This blend will encourage harmony when they have to work together, and rationality when you try to reason with them. Apply this oil to teach them things like, it’s not okay to snatch that toy out of their little brother’s hand just because they wanted it.
The Bullseye Blend
This robust blend of oils is perfect for anyone in your house with poor aim. It would help husbands and kids get dirty clothes in the actual hamper, and dirty dishes in the dishwasher. It also helps boys aim into the toilet instead of right next to it, and helps kids put shoes in the closet instead of the middle of the hallway. Use in combination with the “Open Your Eyes” blend to keep your house running like a well-oiled machine.
Essential oils are supposed to reduce stress, improve mood, and heal the things that ail the mind and the body. But what moms really want is their sanity back, and a little peace and quiet wouldn’t hurt either. When they create some oils for all that, please, sign me up.
This post first appeared on Scary Mommy